OK, I knew he had kids. I know he has them just about every weekend. I've met them, they're pretty cool little guys.

But I don't know what the f&#% I'm doing!!!!

This man is everything I ever wanted in a partner, everything I didn't even know i wanted. Wonderful man. Kind, thoughtful, intelligent, smart, funny, strong, brave, sexy, considerate, respectful...and he's real. He really exists and he loves me, too.

But I'm really freaking about the kids. Absolutely freaking out. In case anyone's followed my isses with reproduction in other threads...let's just say I'm not particularly keen on the results of reproduction. We've talked about it a lot...He says he understands how I feel, but he HAS kids, so he CAN'T understand how I feel. But they are part of his life, and if I want to be with him, then I have to learn how to cope.

I know you guys are all here 'cause you actually wanted to have some, and you did. So how did you learn what to do? How do you manage them? Books, classes?

At least I'm lucky - they're eight and five, so they can use the bathroom, feed themselves and speak coherently. The oldest one might be pretty cool in a few more years - he's really into math and science like his dad and I can really get into that. The five year old like to flash me in his underwear (Jon, where did he learn that?).

I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him, but I want to run away right now. run very far away. Run away and never come back. Leave now before i can break his heart any more.

Phobia? Psychotic break? I don't know. I don't know why it's SO BAD tonight. I just want to die because I know I'm not going to be any good with this and I'm going to screw up and I'm going to be that awful evil step-monster and I'm a rotten human being.

I don't know what to DO.