I was blind-sided at the shrink's office. It was only my second visit. At the end of the 1st session, she said we'd finish up my family med history for the intake at the next session. I guess we finished it at the end of the 1st session after all, because she just wanted to dive into the reasons why my doc referred me and etc.

I'm NOT one to talk about stuff with anyone and it took me a LONG time to be able to tell my doc why i thought my meds weren't working. I had to write a list of reasons and give it to the doc to read so i wouldn't chicken out of telling him.

I couldn't talk to the shrink except to answer her questions. She asked if i find it easier to write than talk and because it is easier for me to write, she suggested my writing down what i want to achieve and etc by seeing her . She also said if i want to, i can bring some of my artwork to show her.

I told her that aside from my photography, I don't have any art work other than a ton of half started collage projects. And really. why would i show her? It's not as if she'd be all that interested if she weren't being paid to at least act interested...

I decided that i'd start an art journal to write/show her whatever but now i can't even bring myself to do that. I can't bring myself to even write whatever it is i need to.

I can't focus and have that whole why bother attitude. It's stupid and annoying and I can't get around it.
I can't just tell someone i don't know all this stuff. And, i'm afraid that if i do, I'll be locked up...either jail or mental place.

I just don't know what to do...or maybe i just don't know how to do it..i don't know.

I do know I that as the days go on, the more miserable and down i become. I don't know how to make it stop. I'm tired of being down and getting even lower and i'm especially tired of acting like my so called normal self. I'm tired of pretending everything's OK and I'm OK. I don't think i can keep up the act much longer. And what happens when that happens?
I don't want my mother knowing how bad it is for me. I don't want or need her concern and worrying and etc.

I just want this to stop and don't know what to do. Or what i can do...

I don't even know why i bothered with this stupid post...but here it is