I think we are mssing something important here in this conversation.

In past times and cultures, life was more difficult for children. And, now we know better. We know now, from the results of a rather large body of research, that children need, deserve protection, validation, love and a lot of positive attention from their parents if they are to grow into healthy, functioning adults. From this body of research we also know that there is a rather large continuum of how we accept and know and define the "good enough" parent. That seems to change according to the culture and resilience of the person. A good enough parent for me is not a good enough parent for you, etc.

However, we also know now that parental behaviors that were socially accepted in the past have caused traumatic illness in people as they grew. We know now that many acts toward children that people thought were not so bad are actually abuse. We know this, again, from research. We also know now that abuse comes in many forms--including emotional abuse. This abuse cased traumatic stress illness in many people.

Abuse is abuse. I don't think that there is a lot of room for a fluid definition about whether certain acts are abusive. Frankly, I believe that choosing not to call certain events abuse is denial and dangerous because it can lead to a repeat.

As a person who "suffers" from complex ptsd (much of it from physical, sexual, emotional abuse and neglect) I am grateful for my resilience. I know I can bounce back from almost any situation. I know that the parental neglect I endured was worse than the abuse for me. And I also know that the neglect and emotional abuse were extremely traumatic for me.

I recently told T that I know now that the neglect from my mother had a more deleterious effect than the sexual abuse. It took me a long time to realize this. Neglect over time can have a traumatic effect on the development of a child.

As for the waking up and choosing to stay in bed--if someone is suffering from depression, the choice is often not in their capacity to make. It's a dangerous attitude to use with someone who is ill by saying their actions are within their capacity to choose.