I am so embarresed, I can't even go to the city where it happened....without suffreing from
wave after wave of panic attacks and memories, and flashbacks........I'm just so mad at me.. why am I so broken...why do I keep breaking apart when I get myself somewhat back togther...why it times such a hard concept for me now? Friends say rember when...and it takes me 20 minutes to rember...my memories are a blur..what more does this insanity want to take from me???
The dreams are back...nights are hard I've had maybe 10 hours sleep the past three days....I want it to stop........why why why.

I broke down the other day when my mom, little sister and me went to look at cars she kept asking me questions..to many questions..I don't like it when people ask alot of questions about anything...I freaked out on her I felt bad we got into a huge fight...I felt wild and beserk like jumping out of the car, I started banging my head up against the window really hardd...crying hyperventliating...I kept babbling about nothing related to the argument..my mom stated I haven't been the same since the accident..I couldn't breathe...that word that phrase...accident...accident...I just shouted I want to go back..I want to go back to thearpy..my mom goes why...I just stared at her....she asked why I didn't saty the first time...when they took me a month after the accident...all I could say was afraid...I don't want to face it...I don't want to face any of it...she said I didn't know it affected you that bad..I asked her if she had every seen anyone die..she said yes your greatgrandmother...I said no not laying in a hospital bed peaceful and surronded by peace and love..I mean really die in pain and confusion and breathing quick panicky breathes..she said no..I said then you can't understand...you won't understand....I felt bad she looked so far away after that...I'm a bad person..too much anger..
I realized the other day what a mess I am.............this is so long I don't know why I typed this...it's just after I started I couldn't stop..I had to get it all out..it's such posion...I'm sorry I'msorry I'm sorry I'm osrry