I'm so close to just losing it, just having a complete mental breakdown..agian.........but it will be so much worse that in January..because back in January I wasn't self injuring again yet....

Why does noone see the marks?? Why doesn't anyone IRL see me pain???
I am losing it...I completely freaked the other day on my mom..huge argument..triggered to many things..to many unsaid things that should remain unsaid..I just stared screaming and babbling and banging my head up against the window really hard my mom stopped me and said that is enough..she didn't realized how hard I was banging my head..I had a massive headache later..my headbanging obviously isn't anything new mom says I did it alot when I was really little, I wanted to just start tearing up my arm or start scratching myself up...I have bite marks on my hand from when I went to the bathroom and stuffed my hand in my mouth so I wouldn't start crying again and I felt like I was going to scream...

My thoughts are nothing connected...somtimes there just random and pointless.....I don't like this.......I am ashamed...I am sorry...I gave in...it scares me because of how I gave in..I did it with a knife..it was just a little scratch..but I rembered in the past how I use to cut my thumb really bad..it's all scared up and I rember how good it felt I wanted to go deeper and draw blood. I got really scarred and ran in my room and started hyperventlating..I turned my headphones up as loud as they would go..so I couldn't think...so every thought would stop...I am scared..I told my mom during our huge fight I wanted to go to thearpy...she said okay...it's all out in the open now..not the self injury no never could I tell them I've started back..but the memories and the mood swings and the saddness..I'm going to thearpy....I'm going to thearpy.......that makes me want to hurt myself more......