After a couple of kick-back-and-relax sessions, in which I took a breather from serious work, T and I had one of those wonderful, deeply meaningful sessions last time. Conversation flowed. I cried a little. He teared up a couple of times too. Our interchange felt deeply mutualistic and reciprocal, like a conversation between equals who are learning from each other. He thanked me for what I had given him. It made me feel so good to know I had given him something he valued and that had touched him, as he has given me so much. I thanked him too, as he has literally saved my life. I talked a lot, and he sat there and listened, so intently. He seemed so eager to hear what I had to say, which in itself is deeply healing for me. He talked too.

At one point, he told me this amazing thing. He said, “you are one of my favorite people in the world. I mean that. You are one of my very favorite people in the whole world.” (Not you are one of my favorite clients, but one of my favorite people.)

When he told me that, it changed something for me. It made me feel like I really meant something to him, that I was not just one client among dozens, but someone who had had a real impact on his life. This made me feel much more secure in our relationship and almost instantaneously not so terrified about termination. Because all of a sudden I knew that when we part ways, it will be very difficult for him too, and this made me feel better. I realized that some of my fear of termination had revolved around the pain of believing that it would be really hard for me but not for him. Despite our history, a protective part of me had believed that for him it would just be saying good-bye to another client, a therapeutic skill he could execute in his sleep. But now I don’t think so. If I am one of his favorite people in the world, I know it will be hard for him too. I now trust in the future that what we do next will be what it will and turn out OK. He will guide us through this and we will both feel the same wind blow and the same ground shake because we both care so deeply. This makes what comes next seem somehow not so painful to me. That’s not quite right--maybe it’s that the pain will be easier to bear (but not any less painful). The pain now seems like another milestone in the journey, and we’ll figure it out together, when we get there.