(mentions cutting)

I am feeling like T is an illusion.

He says I am allowed to call/e-mail as much as I want to...and I know that is true. But somehow, I think that has given me the illusion that he is "there" for me. He's not there.

I know I can't expect him to be available after hours and on weekends, and I don't usually. I call/e-mail but I don't expect or ask for a reply. It's just venting. He is good about responding during business hours.

But now it is Sunday and I'm having a hard time. I'm feeling really angry - which is an unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and overwhelming emotion for me. T has encouraged me to feel angry. A bunch of stuff has happened in the past 24 hours and %#@&#! it, now I really AM angry. And I don't feel safe. I want to cut so, so, so, so badly, and I'm trying not to. I'm posting here, I've talked to a friend IRL, I'm cleaning the house, I hit the punching bag in the basement - but the feeling is still there, and I KNOW it would go away if I cut. I called T and asked him to please call me back. I told him I'm having a hard time and trying not to cut. He hasn't called, and I bet he won't. I almost never ask for support on the weekend, and he has NEVER said it's not available - there are no "rules" about it that I'm aware of.

I hate that I reached out for help and he's not giving it to me. And that just makes me angrier and makes me want to cut even MORE. It just sucks.

I guess I'm just venting. I just hate it when something like this happens and I find out that the great wizard is just some little man behind a curtain.