I don't know how much more our family can take.
My son is in a really bad state. He says he doesn't want to live anymore. He's acted upon his words as well!

Last week he searched for something sharp to hurt himself with... We've hidden all knives and pair of scissors. He got a hold of the type of "knife" you use to smear out whipped cream on a cake with... It's not sharp... but anything can cause damage if you're strong enough using it. He began pulling it back and forth on his throat... before we managed to get it off of him.
Then he threw himself on the kitchen floor crying and said he wanted to die.

We went away on vacation Friday afternoon and got back home at midnight last night. It was NO vacation I tell you! Just horrible! He used a nasty language and was worried about being at a new place and losing the structure. We tried our very best to prepare him before the trip about what was going to happen... but still it's so hard on him.
Yesterday we went to this theme park and that was a total disaster. Leaving the park and walking to the parking lot to our car... he suddenly jumped out in the highly trafficated street (in Sweden's second largest city) I just managed to grab a hold of his arm and pull him back to the sidewalk... Then after walking a few steps he did it again and I got a hold of his shirt which got torn... Both my husband and I had to grab a hold of one arm each and hold him preventing him to it again. My husbands sister was shocked... well we all were.

Then driving back home in the car in the darkness... our son got upset about something we were talking about and opened the door on his side to jump out in a speed of 55.92 MPH. Our daughter screamed of fear and my husband nearly drove off the road. My husband pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car so "angry" = scared.
When we continued driving I talked to my son and tried to reach out to him. I said to him: "G you don't feel good at all, do you?" He said: "No mom" I said to him that I'm going to help him feel better. He said that he's useless and does everything wrong. He also said that we don't love him.

He sang an "at the moment" song about drugs in the car later on and after a while he said: "I don't know why I sing about drugs... I don't like really like drugs." Then tears came...

He said a few nice words to his sister and then a second later BOOM... the nasty words came back.... It must be so totally exhausting and confusing for him to be like this....

He's been more violent towards us others too. He's bitten his sister and hit me and his dad. This weekend and this morning she tried to choke me by pressing his hands and fingers very hard against my throat.

I've made a couple of phone calls already today about how he's getting so much worse again and what the personnel at the respite have to do. I spoke to his teacher to inform her about the situation... since our son's starting school again in little over a week from now. Tomorrow I'm going to call to see to it that he gets more help. I hate this country and the way people just don't get it! If a child doesn't want to live anymore... THEN REACT- IT'S SERIOUS!!!! Parents aren't stupid and lacking in knowledge!

I'm so afraid of what might happen to my son and about his future!
I love him so so much!!!

In the middle of all this... there's our daughter. I try so hard to give her the needed attention... but how can I give her what she needs when things are like they are?! I love her so much and want her to feel safe.

Our son felt so much better for a few moths this spring... and now...

I just had to get this out… It’s so hard to carry it all inside.