I was out shopping yesterday and felt myself feeling sad inside thinking about the 4weeks ahead of no T.

I begun to fantasise T being in the mass of shoppers and just smiling at me as she spots me. That fantasy comforted me as I shopped yesterday but when I got home I asked myself why did I only want her to "spot" me? why did I not continue with the fantasy and imagine her come over and talk to me?

As I journalled about this I saw that what I use to do as a child all through my sch life was to day dream I saw my adoptive mother walk pass the sch with her shopping, as going grocery shopping with her was the only pleasent experience I have off her. For some reason my adoptive mother aquated feeding buying food as the be_all_and_end_off_life. Its the only time she seemed happy.

So I would have these daydreams at sch not realising that underneath that fantasy there really wasnt any other relationship memory to hold onto....that I cant think back to a time when mum held me or seemed to be enjoying me...I mean not one. I've questioned myself on this incase I may be exagerating the situtaion but there isn't a single memory..the only things I had in my mind was of a depressive figure constantly bent over a lap tray doing custom jewery home work...I mean for all my yrs growing up she did that even xmas day the tray would come out...no doubt that became her escape from her pains..but for a child that is no consolation, I needed HER!..

So I realise that all I had learnt to self soothe was to have this short fantasy of a plesent moment but then I realised that I have more then that with T, I have memorys now of plesent moments with her..there really is a me and her now...there really is a real relationship...I can recall a certain empatic look from her...I can remember a moment we may have shared a joke..there is more to us then just a fantasy now...

With this I sat back and was able to put the break in the relationship into a real context...and not into another fantasy where I feel lost and alone...oh its hard to explain but normally I get stuck...I cant think my way through the break...it comes to a sudden end...but this time the tape seems to have played forward a little bit more...I don't have to feel anxiety about her return...like I would feel anxiety returning home from sch because the real mother wasn't the fantasy mother i had had to dream about all day at sch..but not knowing this only feeling uneasy about going home to see this person whom I thought was greatest person in the world like the one in my fantasy..but to get home and see a woman not even lift her head to say hello when I returned... leaving me to think that it must be me that makes her feel that way...I must be so yuk that I cause her to feel so unhappy...this anxiety has been there before during breaks also...thinking when T comes back she also wont want to lift her head and say hello to me...but I think I've broken through that bubble...something has finally shifted inside of me...I think I finally have enought of the real T relationship to start to believe this is different and different in a good way...