I just laid there in my bed late last night just crying and talking to myself in a soft voice - asking myself why do i even try anymore, i got up and went to the bathroom where i sat on the floor almost in a balled up position and took the blade and cut, i cut and kept cutting till it bled and then i got up and walked back to my bed and bawled my eyes out - relief yeah for a bit but then back to the depressed state- feeling like im not worth anything, no friends no family no nothing- the room spinning with all my emotions- im on a roller coaster and there is no way off- i want to call my therapist and scream and cry and tell him he needs to help me- but will he listen to my cries- i just want him to help me get past my SIing and not just tell me to stop- im a cutter and i can not just stop just because someone tells me too- i need help but at the same time i do not think im ready to quit - im %#@&#! up in the head and im a %#@&#! bad person and no one cares and i dont even care anymore- im ranting and venting and im sorry to everyone that has ever had to respond to my posts - sorry for messing up everyones lives with my %#@&#!, yea im a mess i just want this to go away i want to live in peace without this pain, its never going to change. i have so much to say i have so many secrets to get out but i cant im scared and im hiding them from everyone and myself- maybe if i hide under the rock it will all go away- maybe if i go away it will go away- i dont know anymore- im tired of it all and i know you are all tired of hearing my crap- anyway this was just a waste of space and im on the verge of a huge breakdown again - i feel it.