I haven't talked on the phone to the soon to be ex in a couple of months. Haven't heard from him via email in forever it seems. He's supposed to be filing for divorce. Since he lives in Romania, I know it takes longer for things to happen but this is ridiculous...the process hasn't even started yet.

He's been being a poop head as usual and not keeping in contact with me and mostly because he hasn't been doing what he's supposed to be doing by getting an attorney and paying for the divorce. I told him he wanted to end it, he can pay for it. I have paid for everything else (because I wanted to, not because he asked or expected me to).

I have always adored his accent and the way he talks. I thought I was more prepared to hear him speak and just found out how much I was NOT prepared to hear his voice.

Man, I thought it was hard having a long distance marriage and trying to get him to the states. Then I thought it was even harder when he gave up hope and decided to end the relationship. Now, it seems to be even harder to hear him speak on the phone .... and I really thought I was getting past this pain.

When my other marriages failed, I had no loving feeling left for them, so it was much easier to get past the pain of a failed marriage. In this one, it's so different. Even though I am very angry with him and hurt to the max at his seemingly indifferent ways, I still love the man. Don't get me wrong, it is definitely over....there is no way I would even try to talk him into continuing our marriage. I won't stay where I'm not wanted. And I know that fighting for something that "I" want at this point would be like banging my head against a concrete wall. No one is worth my hurting myself further for......there must be mutual love and appreciation for a relationship to truly work.

I really thought I was past this point.....maybe I'll just wait and see how long it takes me to stop tearing up and for my heart to come back up out of my stomach. Maybe by seeing how long it takes me to recover from hearing his voice will tell me if I'm further along in my healing or not. Maybe..........................................................................................