I've been married for 6 years. 6 years where I had to bear my husband's violence, control, sarcasm, humiliation and many, many forms of manipulation.
By the six's year I decided to move out and he followed me to apologize and beg me to give him one last chance.
I've never seen him so weak, all the family made me feel like a cruel person for ignoring his tears and, due to my extra sensitivity (%#@&#! that!) I came back!
And I can't believe I did! Now, he is peaceful, calm, faking smiles all day long and trying to be a better person. Of course he has ups and downs but he is not as violent as he was before.
The thing is that I fell out of love from the moment I walked out the door. When I came back, I couldn't find it again.
I just can't love him again, he could be a friend, a co worker, anything but not my husband. I can't hate having sex with him and I am sick of faking everything in my life.
for 6 years I've been faking smiles, reactions, actions, emotions and everything till I lost myself and forgot who i was and what I am supposed to feel if that was the real me dealing with any situation.
Now, I am just tired of faking and I want to get out. I just don't have a way to tell him except by hurting him and saying it in his face "I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE" and not give a %#@&#! about his effort to become a better person. Being in this house kills me every day.
I can't find the strength to be honest with him, nore the will to keep the show going on.
What do I do?!