Hi, I'm really sorry I haven't replied. You seem like amazingly nice and caring people, but I've been wary of posting anything because ... well, because of what I wrote in my last post, and because someone on a different message board recently hurt my feelings very badly and I feel like I can't trust people in general.

I need to see a psychologist. I want to know what, if anything, is wrong with me. I've waited for 7 or 8 months for a national healthcare-funded one (I don't live in the US) and I can't afford a private alternative. I can't deal with this without help. I haven't even gotten any meds prescribed for me because I would have to see a psych of some kind first. I have very serious self-esteem issues and I often feel convinced that I'm an absolutely horrible person. I feel like I want to be punished to purify me of my faults, so I sometimes deliberately act out in a vicious way to provoke people into telling me off. I feel like I have serious faults in me that I have to face, and I constantly try to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm obsessed. People generally find me sweet and charming but I think and feel like I'm really a horrible person inside. I feel like I might be lying to myself. I sometimes feel disgusted with the thoughts or feelings that I have.

I feel like if I open up more here you will completely hate me. Or at least some people reading this might, and I can't deal with that happening.

I also think that sometimes I exaggerate my feelings and am overly dramatic about my problems.

Most of all I'm really, really confused.