(I solemnly swear I won't do an update every single meeting I go to... just for the next one or two until I get the hang of things).

Anyways, tonight was fun.

Went out for dinner with the lovely woman who's been driving me to meetings, and a woman who celebrated a birthday today (she got a medallion, woot!)

It was fun...

I'm once again struck by the speaker, and how what they say really makes sense to me... but for the life of me, I can't remember what he said.

I caved. I've signed up, and this is now officially my "home group". I chose my sobriety date as something I can remember... July 20th. So pretty soon I'll have a month!

I'm still feeling isolated after the meeting though, when people break up to chat with one another. I'm always on the outskirts of the room, with nobody to talk to, b/c everyone else is talking amongst themselves. It kinda sucks... but I guess I'm used to it. I guess it's just low self-esteem + having a disability (wheelchair!) + being new + being essentially the youngest one there... it's awkward. And scary. And not very pleasant.

I got another womans number tonight though, a lady I've talked to a few times... I actually also talked to another woman about my social awkwardness...

But it was a good meeting. I'm going to see about going to another meeting elsewhere this week or next... but it's hard, because I've got a lack of time + transportation + accessibility of the meeting location ... it really narrows down the amount of places I can go.

Oh well.

I'm still not doing good on the "day by day thing" though...

But the lady who's been driving me back and forth told me something... she said, no matter what... if I feel like drinking I've got to call her. She said she'll come over, and *watch* me drink, and watch me flush my life down the drain. Oh, and that she doesn't want to see another person die because of "the booze". I'm still a little shocked by that I'll admit... I don't think I'm a binge drinker, and I don't drink a lot... but I still identify with too much to discount anything. I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds... of "having a problem" and not. I've never experienced hardship from drinking ... I've never lost anything or done anything really stupid when drinking, never broken the law ... hell, what I've experienced the morning after, I doubt I can really call anything a real hangover... I've never gone to class hammered (I did go tipsy once or twice though, but still fully functioning) ... and I've never skipped class to drink (or skipped anything else important either). Doctors haven't told me to stop drinking...

But yet I've got the stupid addictive personality problems, and addictive issues with so much ... I guess this is the way to go.

Someone PLEASE tell me I'm not crazy.

I'd love to call the lady who's driven me before to chat about this... but she's older, and not the easiest to talk to (memory issues, due to PTSD and alcohol + other stuff) ... I need help. I need someone to understand my predicament here.