I thought about this post today.

I find I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions. I have a really hard time identifying them, and I feel like I go from numb to OVERWHELMED like in a split second. No middle. They may or may not come up in T - I feel so, so, so safe there, that I don't have a lot of the bad feelings. I can report on them, and sometimes I have them, but not always. And of course, even with two hours of T a week, there are like a trillion hours in the week WITHOUT T. And I really don't even know what it MEANS to process emotions anyhow - certainly not on my own.

So I DO feel like when I don't cut (or use food, or whatever), I'm just putting it off until later. Like I'm just trying to ignore how I feel. Although, sitting here now typing this, I guess cutting, or binging, or drinking, or whatever is ALSO trying to ignore how I feel. So I guess it's healthier to ignore it by running on the treadmill or going outside or by hitting the punching bag than by cutting. Although nothing is quite the same as the "unhealthy" coping mechanisms for some reason. I'm not sure why. Maybe because there is that element of "punishing myself" that comes along with the unhealthy stuff....and that's what I feel like I deserve?

Anyhow, I did feel overwhelmed, and I did cut today. And I felt better, for the moment....but now of course, the feelings are back, along with all of the new feelings like "what the %#@&#! is WRONG with me?!"

argh - it just goes around and around in a never-ending circle. T e-mailed me and said "we'll figure this out". I hope he's right.