i just have these feelings and i can not say them- i am deeply depressed all i want to do is sleep but when i try to sleep i can not sleep im not sleeping for more than an hour or two a night im angry im SIing at the least twice a day im seeing a therapist im off all my meds cuz i can not seem to have the want to take them anxiety attacks getting more frequently i cry all the time no self esteem ( i got a 3 on a self esteem quiz) thats how bad it is- no one really knows how bad things are right now i just keep saying im okay- no worries- deep down inside im hiding the fact that im not well at all- my stomach hurts all the time whether i eat or not- ive lost 10lbs in under a week, i miss my baby, i yell at my kid all the time i havent smiled in months or even laughed no one wants me to be here or there or anywhere - i want to stop therapy and just climb into a hole somewhere and just wither away. no one will notice anyway- i told my therapist details of my abuse/rape the other day and im mad that i told him im hurting so bad i feel like im not in my body at times i just feel like im an empty shell that gets kicked around from one place to another- i really do not need to hear how its my fault because i know its all my fault for everything- and ppl think i can just stop the cutting i cant i just cant its all i have right now - i need help i know this, and im going to therapy but all he tells me is that i need to find other ways to deal with things than cutting - hes worried i guess but ive been cutting for 20+ years - im not proud of it, i am ashamed of it- how do you think i feel when my kid wants to know why mommy has scars on her legs and wrists- it hurts deeply- but for some reason i still do it- maybe i dont love me- in fact thats it i do not love myself i hate myself for everything for my life for it all- im just tired of hearing everyones %#@&#! about it... i cant even type without the tears im just really depressed and im so tired and i just need a friend right now one that doesnt judge me - im not worth a friendship though -not sure anymore about anything my life is black or white its really really good or really really bad and for the past two years its really really bad no good at all- for venting