Zen,
Hope you enjoyed your salmon. It sounds like you have really grown in the last 3 years and I think what you are doing for yourself is great.
You said: "I need to feel beautiful, that rests soley on me and my own appreciation of my body"
I don't feel bad about myself cause one day I just looked in the mirror and saw a flaw. I have always been flawed like anyone else (give or take a supermodel) and was fine. My insecurity and negative thoughts and feelings came because I was told that I was not good enough and pushed away both emotionally and physically. It was pointed out to me over and over what was wrong with me until I started to see it myself and believe that. Even though it isn't happening anymore there is no more than an apology for being a jerk.

""I need to speak about what I feel and when I feel ignored it is ok for me to say so"
I do say something and I get back "oh, come on" like I am blowing it out of proportion or trying to make a problem. After a couple days of it and then me just not even talking anymore I get an apology but then it's a tad late.

So that's where I am at. Clueless.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin