Hi, allabout. I've been realizing that there's quite a few people in situations like ours, where a spouse or caregiver struggles to deal with a partner with these kinds of serious problems. If you're interested in finding out how I dealt with my situation, most of the story is in this PsychCentral thead, with a follow-up thread here.

But, in a nutshell, here's what happened to me: my wife was seriously mentally ill - and misdiagnosed - for at least 6 years, and probably for much longer than that. She got much, much worse very suddenly last November, and she became a danger to herself and to our family. For nearly six months I did next to nothing and told no one because I didn't know what to do and was scared, and I hated myself for it. Finally, I decided that the fear of the unknown wasn't as awful as a lifetime of the status quo, so I finally made decisions and took steps to make things better for my family.

The next month was the most horrible time in my life. Ever.

But ever since then has been an amazing miracle. Better than I ever could've dreamed. My wife an I are truly, bone-deep happy and crazy in love, the way I always hoped we could be. I'm still stunned, frankly.

Some of the particulars in your situation might be different - do you suspect that your husband has a mental illness, or has he already been diagnosed? - and there's no guarantee things can turn around as quickly, but taking a step back to examine your status quo is very valuable. How slow or how fast things can get better is entirely up to you and the actions you take. The hard lesson I learned was that nothing will change if you don't make change happen yourself. And that's risky, and terrifying, and involves some hard decisions with no guarantee things'll go the way you want.

I had to ask myself how much my family and I could safely tolerate. And I decided that if my wife went beyond that point then I could no longer be with her and I'd need to start divorce and custody proceedings. Thank God it didn't come to that... but I don't regret drawing that line in the sand for myself, even for a second. I couldn't control her, but I could control me and I could decide to do what was best for my family.

... I'm probably not making a lot of sense. I really feel for you. I can almost taste the echo of the frustration and helplessness I felt during those long months and years, and I know it can't be easy for you. Feel free to PM me if you'd like some more info - I'd be happy to help.