I saw my shrink for the 3rd visit today. Turns out my shrink isn't a shrink (just a counselor) and it's my 2nd visit...intakes don't count, turns out...

But WTF did i do? Not only did I actually make a list of crap that's been going on and bothering me, but, I also showed her the collage I'm currently working on for my art journal cover. AND to make it worse, I showed her my Sanity Score from here. Worse yet, I let her keep a copy. She asked if she could have the list in my notebook but there was no way she was getting that, because not only was it still attached to the sketchbook, but she doesn't need my handwriting and personality or whatever showing through my words, writing, and etc. And, she doesn't need physical documentation handed to her...

But, now, she's going to refer me to a shrink. My BF's shrink. She didn't know my bf had a shrink or whatever, but she now does and who the shrink is. And, if she talks to the shrink about me and my activities, it won't be hard to piece together who the bf is. I probably won't even meet the guy for another 3-4 weeks she said. Along with a caseworker. I gave her permission for all of it when she asked.

And, she said that she thinks the hospital's done all it can for me and she has little faith in them...or somethign like that. And she expressed concern over some things that I guess I should've been concerned about too, but didn't even realize until she pointed it out, stuff on the Sanity Score.

She also tripped me up.
And, it didn't even hit me until a few hours after i left. She asked me a question which I answered. And probably shouldn't have answered and/or shouldn't have answered the way i did. I can't remember what it was now...it hit me a little bit ago...

And she knows when i'm lying and called me on it.

She mentioned getting a psych eval I guess when i see the shrink. I'm not worried about that really. I'm worried about what will happen after i take it and the results are in. What happens when the results are in (if I'm honest when i take it) and they go over my file, and combine the test results with what i've said in the past and the doc or whoever said and etc?

I guess the good thing is that i now have a ton of nervous energy to use up..I can clean a bit before i drop of exhaustion,I suppose.

She did say I've been taking the meds long enough to see they aren't even touching my problem and that it's obviously time to try something else, that I may need some kind of cocktail to find something that works for me. Of course, I have to wait 2 (or more) weeks to see my doc again and longer to meet with this shrink....

I can't believe I let my guard down like that. And i'm TERRIFIED now.

I apologize for the length, I'm just so scared and am freaking out a bit at the moment....