yesterday in t i tried to ask him about this... i told him that i wanted to cut the night before and that the only thing that stopped me was that i would have to face him the next day and he would be angry.... so i took a xanax... curled up and went to the numb place... i asked him what was different... between the two... wasn't the result the same... i didn't deal with the emotions... i didn't deal with life... i didn't get any closer to healing... what he told me was that i was right he wouldn't have been happy if i had cut... that he would have had me show him... and tell him what i used... how i did it... what my ritual was ( i hate that) then he asked me to think about how i feel after i cut and how i feel now when i took a xanax???? he is right i don't feel as guilty... i don't feel exposed like i do when i have to show him what i did... and when he is looking to see if it's getting infected... when i have to tell him about what happened to trigger it... but... what i want to know is how do i keep from getting triggered... how do i deal with the emotions... and triggers... i just want to be normal again... but instead... i want to cut... i don't want to follow my safety plan... i don't want to take a xanax... thanks for letting me vent and try and figure this out...Lyn