My t is working with me to nurture 'little Kerry' as she calls me ..... her ....... i feel little kerry hurting, needing, wanting to be loved ..... like shadow, if i am happy, i feel it is doomed and wont last too long, brecause in the past being happy never did last very long and i was always scared, anxious right from a young age ...... i think for the last 3 years i know my husband loves me and i never had someone truly love me and it scares the %#@&#! out of me ....... i know we have our marriage problems .... like lots of people, but i cant understand why he loves me, i know my kids love me too but that's different ...... dont you think it's sad that i've been married 20 years in Septemer and i only just realised he truly loves me? Yet i still sometimes doubt it ...... i can never ever trust 100%, never will. I feel like i have little kerry under my wing right now, if i become, or she becomes overwhelmed i go and numb out to protet her, the teen kerry is around, she is very hurt and extremely angry and rebellious ..... no surprise

mother dear never believed her lover could abuse her own daughter ..... my own mother was jealous of me .... because her lover preferred me to her ..... and she was in denial .... she moved away just when i needed her more than ever. she abandoned me, left me with my dad who was hateful towards me.

i was a lost soul for years .... then dad aandoned me to live with a new g/f, left me alone .... i turned to drink at 19 for a short while .... he left me with no furniture, just a matress on the floor.

i looked for love in all the wrong places, ruined all my relationships being so clingy and possessive .... i knew noone would stick around very long ......

i'm rambling sorry .... completely off topic. went off on one



jin

self pity is an ugly thing..... sometimes i just need to get the story out while i remember .... i sometimes show my t.