I've been a bit all over the place here and in life in general the last few days. Last night got real bad, real emotional pain, the kind where you going so fast inside you dont know how to stop, accept to STOP and face whatever it is your running from.

I picked up pad and pen with little confidence of success but as I wrote I suddenly became aware of an imagery. I was feeling in pictures in my mind. I was standing as a young chlld on a cliff top and 2 people I suppose were my parents, perhaps both sets, the birth and the adoptive were telling me that I had to find my own way home. They shaded in grey with long trench coats and hats then left me.

The feel of being left in a place I'd never been before and knowing that if these people, my supposed most important people in the world were doing this to me, that what hope was there, who was there to turn too?

The feeling of abandoment was so great, the feeling of having no where to turn too, of being sadistically tormented by the most important people in your life was almost unbearable, but then suddenly on a hill top stood T. That feeling of fear and abandoment inside was finally rescured, I finally had someone to turn too, someone to stand by me whilst I re-visted feelings and memorys that have lain in the dark resesses of my memory but too scary to go there, not alone, but T finally she was there, inside of me. All the sessions and the silences and the just being together finally made sense. Shes been trying to get me to incorperate her into my inner world, to rescue me from all the horrors of the past.

I finally felt like I'd been put back together again, the past days were all about an attempt to flee abandoment, real and imagined. I fixed myself from the inside out.

I sat back and realised I've been to afraid to slow down in case the insides caught up with me and I felt to alone to stand hearing what my insides were telling me. Today its been like magic, I get afraid and then I bring to mind that image of T standing on the hill top and me standing just below her feeling like my prayers had been answered.

I realised today that its more important to touch base with this inner landscape we carry then to get involved in all the outer dramas that go on day in day out...