Today was the last session until September 2nd. Sigh.

I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and threw up.

I told him I didn't want to be there. It's not that I didn't want to be with him but that I didn't want to say goodbye, don't want him to be away. His office is home base now. LoL it only took 2 years for me to feel like that. He commented that this separation feels different than the others have. I said that it is because I feel closer to him now than I did before. He said that I was integrating the relationship. He referenced a poem I had written a while back called peek-a-boo. It addressed my lack of object constancy. He said that when you play peek-a-boo babies are not sure if the face is coming back and how thrilled they are when they see the face reappear from behind the adult's hands.

T said he would be away, not gone. I said I believed him, so I must be growing up. I told him I was probably about 3 now and he agreed. I told him about when my son was 3 he used to cry at the window everyday when I went to work, and how I feel like that 3 year old now. I told him I was nervous.

I told him about being sick this morning and he asked me what it meant. I told him my body was telling me to take better care of myself. We did some deep breathing together as a way for me to practice grounding myself. He said I have to stay grounded as much as I can as a way of self care.

He asked me if I was going to be able to take better care of myself (than my mother did of me) while he was gone. I said I would. I felt really little. He asked why I was hugging the pillow and I said I needed a teddy bear and he agreed. He suggested H could be my teddy bear for me.

On the way home I left two messages. On the first message, I said that I did feel challenged to self-care and that I would do my best to stay grounded especially by doing the things we have practiced together in-session -- the breathing and the qi gong exercises. In the second message, I told him that the feeling of closeness that I now experience is because I no longer am afraid of him or the relationship--that I feel safe--very safe--in the relationship and with him and so therefore can experience the good things--the trust, the safety, the love that the relationship has to offer.

Oh, and yeah, I took his picture with my cell. And he said to call if I needed.
[image]
[/url]
[/image]