Somehow I feel bothered by this so I feel i shoudl post.

Ok, when I was 11 i was molested by my dad. When i became 14 i stopped denying it and faced what he had done. I turned him into child protective services. Nothing happened because they told me they didnt have enough evidence.

When I was 14 though, after I had turned him in...i had a lot of psychological turmoil. I became depressed, my chest felt like there was this huge aching abyss that had opened up where my heart used to be. Basically I felt like i was holding onto the edge of a cliff of despair/ just inches away from letting go and getting lost within my pain. What i'm trying to say is that the pain i felt during this time was so immense. I felt betrayed and the added fact that my puberty was kicking in around this time made everything worse. My real name is Kate and the meaning behind my name is "pure one". I felt like i was a mockery of the meaning of my name, because i felt so...dirty because of what had happened to me.

Ever since then i've felt uncomfortable with my sexuality. Like if i got too turned on by anything I'd begin to feel dirty. I was interested in guys at this point in time.

A little while ago I was on this sex site because i wanted to explore my seuxality. The site happened to be interactive so you can imagine all the weirdos i met there. I wont go into details...

The last person I spoke to on the site was a rapist. He was very graphic in uhm...what he said he wanted to do to me. I would never even think of doing the actions he wanted to do to me and i would rather go to Hell than do the actions he wanted to do to me, on someone. I didnt sleep for nights after he said those things and the fact that he said that he would come and find me and carry these things out made me paranoid. He was serious and if i had given him enough information...yeah...i wouldve...been in a bad place.

I cant even think about what he said to me. It makes me feel anxiety and i've disssociated when i've tried to think about it.

Ever since then my sex drive has plummeted and i've gotten to the point where i dont even mastrubate anymore. I still allow myself to sexually fantasize soemtimes but i dont get very turned on by these thoughts. A part of me is pleased i was able to supress my sex drive because it too so much effort to do and I feel like supressing it and acting like i'm not interested in Sex at all will keep me safe. On the other hand i feel a sense of loss, like i've lost a part of myself. I cant even sexually fantasize about guys anymore...so i fantasize about girls because I feel it is safe. I dont feel much out of these fantasies...i think it is just a way my psyche is trying to compensate because I've mentally banned myself from thinking about guys in a sexual way.

Although i notice i do flirt with guys still. Just in a non sexual way. It is fun for me I guess. Though i feel no sexual desire towards guys anymore.

I think there is something wrong with me. What's wrong with me? I want to hear what others think of this.