This whole idea of self care has been a running theme throughout my therapy. I remember T saying early on, "Miss, you have to take care of yourself." I had no idea what he was talking about because I have always prided myself on my self-care, because of how poorly my mother took care of herself. For example, I always go for my annual checkups, gyno, mamograms, dental cleaning, etc. My mother never went to the doctor and had very bad teeth. I am on top of my blood pressure issues. I am careful about my outward appearance and try to look nice always. In fact, I am the neurotic who is always asking H if I look okay, etc., etc.

I realize now that these acts of self care are only part of the job. Indeed, for me, they are not acts of self care as much as they are acts of defiance (doing the opposite of what she would do).

What T wants me to do is to REALLY take care of me. I have been reflecting on what exactly that means. It means that I have to slow everything down a zillion notches, so that I can notice where I am in the moment. He wants me to react based on what I feel in my body rather than what I think in my head. That is really hard to do because often I feel numb--very out of touch with my body. I have to be able to notice my body's messages and I do believe they are there--I just don't know how to hear them yet. When an infant's physical needs are met promptly she learns to respond to the messages of her body. When a child's physical needs are met, the learning process continues. This makes me sigh for the infant within me whose needs were deferred until my mother could get to them; and the little girl whose needs were denied. I used to wet the bed and lay there all night until I got myself up. There was no response at all. Eventually, I would go lie in my brother's bed for comfort and a dry mattress. I was ridiculed in the morning by sibs, grandmother.

Where the hell was she and where the hell is he? WAAAAA