i'm just a big hypocrite and a coward. i say things out of my mouth, then feel/act totally different on them.

i say every day of my life, i'm sure, that i want to know more! if i could just know more things would be so much better. BS! the minute i'm shared information or a memory with, i freak and don't wanna know nothin. i feel like such a coward. these insiders took this pain and i don't even want to know about it? how selfish and cowardly is that????

i need to get it together. i say i wanna know, but when it comes right down to it, it scares the hell out of me and i run. then i don't get more information in forever. then i get mad cause i don't get it. i've decided that i'm never happy...period. that sucks. it also makes t so painfully slow. ugh. i feel pretty bad about this and don't quite know what to do to change it. i don't know how to keep myself from being scared when something is shared with me that is scary, and i can actually feel those feelings. it's too much. so, wadda i do? ugh. it's as much reflex to wanna run from it as it is to breathe and blink...i can't control that reaction. then i later feel bad for it, but the damage is done for the time being.

i'm sorry, but i'm so mad at myself right now that i can barely stand it. these children here have gone thru so much and i'm afraid to even hear them? that's awful and there's no excuse for it...period.

thanks,