I just left the worst session ever.

I have hurt my back, so I am feeling helpless and vulnerable, and that makes me feel scared and angry....so I was in a bad spot to begin with. When I was leaving for T, I felt like "finally! someone I'm comfortable being vulnerable with!". I pictured myself laying on his couch, him taking care of me emotionally, leaving feeling good.

That is SO not how it happened.

He was having a meeting in his office before I got there with the other three therapists in the office. So as I was walking in, they were walking out. of his door. It made me feel really self-conscious - like here I am, the crazy person! Plus, I've had a bad session with him before when he's been in "meeting mode" so I was worried about that.

I sat down and just didn't feel like myself. We talked for a while, but I just felt totally down on myself, felt like he didn't want me to be there, felt like I was wasting his time. Pretty soon I totally knew I was dissociating, but it felt out of my control, completely. He didn't look like himself, the walls literally felt like they were closing in - the office seemed SO small. I felt unsafe, trapped, caged. He kept asking "what do you need?" and it was just making it WORSE. What I "needed" was to not be sitting there feeling totally insane and out of my head. I really felt like I "needed" to SI - and I told him that. It was horrible. I felt totally disconnected from T and from myself.

I remember breathing FAST and my heart racing and racing and feeling really dizzy. I remember him trying to help me get grounded and that making it way, way, way worse. It just sucked.

I can't remember how it happened, at all, but eventually I started feeling a little more present. T suggested we change things around a bit - and did I want to go for a walk outside? The thought of being with T outside of his office was like...NO. He said he would come sit with me on the couch and I could tell him if it felt good or bad. So he came over and it felt too close for me and I told him. I said "and now there's no therapist here!" indicating his empty chair. He said "why don't you be the therapist?" so I went and sat in his chair and he laid down on the couch. Suddenly everything kind of shifted. We were playing, and that made me happy, and it seemed like part of me - the young part - came back and things started to feel okay. So we played therapist and client for a few minutes and then I went to sit with him on the couch.

I sat with him on the couch and told him the things I thought I would worry about this weekend - the main thing being what happened in session, and what he would now think of me. He jumped up and got a pad of post it notes and a pen and sat back down and began writing me little notes. He wrote me three little notes - complete with smiley faces - for me to take home and hang onto this weekend.

He's so good. I left feeling put back together (for the most part) and connected to him (for the most part) and safe (for the most part). I think hanging onto the notes this weekend will help me.

But still, talk about a crappy session! I kind of wish I'd never gone.