I was totally "not there" in T today. I wrote all about it on the psychotherapy board, so I won't rehash the whole thing here. It was like I was there, but not there. I was half there, for most of it. And the "me" that was kind of there, is the "me" that I hate and it was awful and I couldn't get away from myself. The walls were getting closer and closer and I couldn't breathe and T looked weird. I remember asking him if I looked different and he said "no, you still look like earthmama" and hearing my name made me feel so disoriented and scared.

We finally played a little at the end of session, and it made me feel more present and young and safe.

But I still feel weird and embarrassed and confused. I don't even know what happened, why I was triggered so badly.

I think I just need a hug, and for someone to say they understand.