</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SpottedOwl said:
Whenever you are ready, please ask your daughter what she wants, and whether she would want H to join in the therapy session. It is not all about what you need, but also about what your daughter needs.

I know that your relationship with H is over, but for your daughter it is not. H will always be her father, and it is *very* difficult to be a child caught between the bad feelings of two parents.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">SpottedOwl, that is a good point. I am actually open to my H joining us for therapy, but since the problems my daughter and I are having are our own, I want to start there, with just us. If, through therapy, these issues seem larger than just me and her, and H's presence would be helpful, I would welcome him there. Luckily, my H and I don't have much of the typical animosity that many divorcing couples have. We communicate frequently, get together for the kids' events (sit at school plays and concerts together, celebrate kids' birthdays and graduations together, we even watched Olympics together recently), make important parenting decisions together, and are very flexible on the custody arrangements. As for my daughter's needs, I have put my kids' needs first for a long time. And my H's needs. And everyone's needs but my own. I need to pay some attention to my own needs now and work to improve this relationship. That's not necessarily putting my needs first, but acknowledging that they exist and working to get them met. I don't think that working on the relationship will impinge on my daughter's needs but will have a good outcome for her too. She does have her individual therapist who is there to work with her on her own needs. I would welcome her to raise family issues of her own with the family therapist.

I actually disagree that my relationship with my H is over. We will be forever linked because we are the parents of our children. My T has that view and has helped us try to craft a successful "post-divorce family" and I think we have been pretty successful at that. We have been good about putting the kids' needs first.

I think I don't want my H in therapy with my daughter at first because I don't want him to know the full extent of the problems. It is kind of embarrassing and shameful to me how bad this is and that I cannot handle this on my own. So I'm seeking professional help. My daughter has become very abusive towards me and won't stop, despite my efforts. I don't know what to do. She is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. My T and child specialist have said, "don't give up on this child, don't withdraw from her because of her behavior, don't give up trying to connect" and I have tried to do all that, essentially becoming a martyr and losing all respect. The relationship with my daughter has just become such a negative for me that I need to try something else to fix it. I'm nearing the breaking point with it and can't take the abuse. I feel a bad parent because I have lost control. I don't know how it happened really. My H has maintained control in the past by yelling and threatening the kids, and sometimes hitting them (he has worked on his anger and the hitting has stopped). I'm not like that. I try to treat them rationally and with respect, give them choices, have reasonable expectations. My reward for this is abuse from my daughter. My T says your daughter can be angry at you because she feels safe with you. Well, that's all well and good, but the pain and hurt of being the target of anger and abuse is getting to be too much. I am feeling very resentful. I do feel I have failed at parenting and need professional help. It's embarrassing but true. I really hope this therapist can help me learn how to regain respect in the relationship and give me suggestions on what I can do to motivate positive behaviors from my daughter. Maybe that will be enough. What I have tried on my own has not worked. However, the child specialist and my T both have told me that I have a tendency to try to do everything myself and have very low expectations for the other person in a relationship. I tend to think I can make things better just by changing my behavior and not have expectations that the other person can and should contribute. I view them as a static and me as the one who should make adjustments. So this effort at bringing my daughter to therapy with me is an attempt at engaging her in this and inviting her to be part of the solution. Are there changes she can make to improve things? Does she have ideas on changes I can make to improve things, changes that have not occurred to me before? I am very open to hearing her suggestions. I think a neutral person there, the therapist, can help her talk with me and not become abusive, and not make unreasonable suggestions, and maybe even agree to try making changes herself. I sure hope this therapist is skilled... We need it.