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I need to pay some attention to my own needs now and work to improve this relationship.

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I think this statement is soooo true. I think sometime we get into trouble because we are so conditioned to put everyone else first. I really hope you and follow through with this. It will likely impact your daughter in a positive way as well because she will learn not to repeat cycle in her own life.

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I have not felt before that the family systems approach in therapy requires one person to be a martyr.

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I don't know if the approach taken with my family was officially a "family systems approach." But clearly when I look back, I can clearly see that my T used me to quickly extinguish a volatile situation and get my H to at least try to change his behavior. Maybe I my needs were sacrificed because I was silent, already numb so it didn't matter, and didn't scream in protest when suggestions were made. It was probably my own fault.

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What would your T say if you told her that?

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I don't know what she would say. I would hope that she would say, "I'm sorry, I didn't know, I wish you would have talked to me." "The process is not supposed to sacrificed anyone."

I don't like going back there