So far I have gone two and a half times with H (the last time he had to come directly from work so he had to get there a half hour after me).

I am used to having therapy by myself. I am used the emotional responses that therapy. I am used to being able to experience and express them in the safety of T.

Now I am in marriage therapy, experiencing intense emotional responses, and essentially having H plus a stranger in the room.

H has been quite open during therapy-- in fact, he is the opposite of how I thought he would be-- he rambles on and on, and the poor therapist can't get a word in, lol.

Consequently, when the therapist asks me what my thoughts are, I tearfully say, "I am not sure.." while being in a partially dissociative state.

I did say a couple of things that H was really glad I said. We both agreed that we will be able to accomplish things in our relationship, while being in therapy, that we would not be able to do on our own.

But I sort of hate it. I can't express anything. I don't feel safe. I have my "way" in therapy; things that happen to me, regardless of who the therapy is, or who is in the room... and I only want to experience that with T.