> Could you just be forthright with him to help clarify things?

Maybe. I am getting somewhat better at it. But often I do not think of the right things to say at the time -- only later.

It is hard for me, because my mother brooked no criticism, or anything that smacked to HER of criticism. By "brooked no criticism" I mean it meant a vicious slap, deprivation of dinner, or whatever she had in mind for the moment. Sometimes she would go wild and out of control if she thought she was being "crossed" -- so yes, it is difficult for me. And she always was better at justifying herself than I was at trying to explain. She always won those battles.