When I say my beauty rests soley on me I mean it. You see I felt that I was not pretty enough. Oh my husband would say I was sexy then he would say that Madonna was a fat cow then I would look at Madona and she was thinner and sexier then I was. The purpose of watching the miss america pagents was to berate all the women on all their flaws and each time he did so I would look at the women and see them as more beautiful then me but he thought they were hideous. This went on for years until I decided to fight it. I refuse to watch pagents and when he calls another woman hideous I point out how she beautiful. That was only the beginning. I started looking at other woman of all shapes and sizes and listened to my own inner comments about how they looked so fat or her nose is so big or her butt is huge and I realize that all these comments were uncalled for AND affected my own self esteem because if I am saying this about them then what am I saying about me. So I would catch myself in my judgements of others and then I would change what I thought. If I really felt someone was too fat I would say to myself why it was too fat as in "It must be hard to get around when your are that big". Slowly I started seeing people not as things but just as people with different issues. Once I was able to do that I started be able to do the same thing with myself. I was 50 pounds overweight at the time and I would stand naked in front of the mirror while I applied oil to my body and said nice things too myself. My legs have carried me a long ways, my breasts fed my kids and enticed my husband, my belly holds in all the things that make life possible and so forth. Finally I didn't care that I was 50 pounds overweight, I dressed in flowing skirts and and felt beautiful in my lace up boots and I didn't give a [censored] what THEY thought when I wore all black or psychedelic colors or stripes and plaid. I loved it. Let them talk who cares, I am beautiful.

Now I am down to a healthy body weight. I run 5 days a week and I wear those clingy stretch pants because they feel good even though I am still thick in the hip and thigh. After my run I go to the store all sticky and sweaty and don't give a rip what the nicely dressed people think because they are judging me on their own standards that quite frankly don't apply to me because I am not them. I am proud of myself and what I accomplished and I know beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and a myriad of colors and layers and if they are too blind to see it then it is their loss and I feel sad for them. I still have my moments of self doubt, where I look in the mirror and see the ugly baby my mom thought I was when I was born but I know it is a lie. Every baby is beautiful and so is every person if given a chance to be. I just turn away from the mirror, turn up the music and dance, what else can be done?

As far as being ignored and saying something. Many times I get ignored by those around me. I say something and it may have no affect. The thing that I refer to is that I will no longer ignore myself. I can tell myself when I hurt and I can make it better. Oh, I am not very good at it yet but I am getting better. It is so much easier though when I really listen to myself and when I don't I tell myself to LISTEN! What is cutting all about? I used to think that I didn't do it to get attention because I wouldn't show anyone and no one ever knew I did it. But that is a lie. I know I do it and what is it for? To relieve stress yes, to make myself feel better yes. But most of all it is to get my attention, to get me to listen. When I start ignoring my needs, my dreams, my aspirations, my truths what do I do? I pull out the blade and I wake myself up, I feel again, I am more real and I am ok. When I am ok, when I know what it is I need then I can stand firm and insist on being heard from others even if it takes an iceage to do it.

Ok, I have talked long enough. It always feels go to reaffirm what it is I am working toward and what it was that I have done. It makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel big, it makes me fell good.
Carrie

PS the salmon was great. I mixed in in with some mayo and mustard then put it on toast. mmmmm.

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson