(((((((((((((((((((((( BB )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I do know you're here and I'm thankful for you and your friendship.

Yes, it's so hard when those we love and want to love, hurt us.

I'm angry with myself because I made a conscious choice not to hang up. I felt in control, and too confident in the healing I've seen. I explained that I would do this, but that I'd never do it again...ever. I felt it important to, one last time, say my piece while letting her off the hook and lying about her role to a degree. I wouldn't knowingly hurt her still.

I'm angry at my confidence and for not recognizing who I was dealing with and there is no one as good as she...certainly not I. I'm angry that I'm feeling as I am now due to my own foolishly placed confidence. See, being 67 doesn't interfere with what she's the best at in her meanness or illnesses. I learned that the hard way today. Most soften with age? She's the same if not worse.

Thank you for caring and being here for me. Your words are healing...validating because, yes, I do feel violated in a few ways. I'll never know the family member that she's drug all this up with, but found out last night that she told my daughter even about it all, then said that she didn't believe it...TO MY OWN DAUGHTER. She didn't tell me to protect me from hurt. Also, her cousin told her that all she does is talk about me, in not nice ways...even to the point that her sister asks her to not...to try to focus on something else for awhile (um, and her sister and I aren't close).

That was surely insult to injury and tells me that I thought she'd let go of some of her sick focus on me, but she's not. She still focuses on me in a sick way and it can be scary a bit. It's a bit scary because I know the focus isn't that about care or concern, but of something much more, well, yuck.

When I look at it in black and white, it's amazing and frightening...but mostly so incredibly sad. It frustrating because she began to severely ramp up when I was so sick and found out that I needed surgery. Why? I don't know but can guess it's because our entire family was giving me alot of care and love? Anything that takes away from her spotlight is fair game for her tactic and energies.

Thank you, again, my friend.

KD