Thank you...to all of you who responded to my question about this!
It still baffles me how I let my ..then..husband dictate how this was handled. And I thank those of you who seemed to have some insight into this kind of relationship dynamic. I let him call the shots, no doubt about it.
It's curious that I've always thought of myself as an independent thinking, but looking back now, after so many years, I recognize that I was conditioned not to challenge or disagree with him. If I pushed an issue, it would result in his having violent fits...not hitting me, but breaking things like holes in the wall, windows, etc. Once, early in the marriage, at bedtime, when I challenged him on some issue, he chased me out the bedroom and down the stairs with his gun, which he kept by the bed.
I became very passive during the whole 20 years. I did try to talk to him rationally about separation and divorce, to which I would be told emphaticallly that I would be "out in the street with nothing," and that he would take our daughter away from me. I believed him, feeling i had no rights.
Sorry for the long rant. I've been free of him for 10 years now, so it's all water under the bridge. I don't even think about it, except needing to make this apology brought it all back up in my mind.
Thanks and love to all of you!
Patty