Trigger.






Physically and sexually my mum never hurt me that I can remember. She wasn't my dad. She'd run away, she'd come back, she'd run away again, and always come back. Dad hurt her too. She knew dad hurt me. She saw what dad did to my little brother. Her coming back was her death. She could have run away and had a life away from him. Away from me. Or she could have run away and taken me away from him forever.

I know why she didn't, I was $%&*ed up as a kid, I was mentally broken even then, but I wonder if it ever crossed her mind that she could have taken me away from him. Or called someone for help. She just kept... coming back. Did she love dad? She didn't love me. I don't have much memory of her. I remember when she died I remember how she kept coming back. I remember her explaining something to me about why little brother was dead.

Is it stupid I think about this? It's not like she abused me. She just let it happen. She knew everything that was done to me. She was hurt too. She could have stopped her death. I guess at that point she didn't care if she died, but is it selfish to wish she hadn't been there so I wouldn't have had to see it

All this in my head and the first instinct is to numb it out with drugs, like dad would have done, but I know it makes me a %$#&ty person and I can't while I'm in hospital at any rate.