I am not a good boundary setter but I have has some success with setting boundaries with my kids this year. The key for me was to think of key behaviors that I definitely needed to change and then we established a 2-3 stages consequence. House rules applied to everyone; only for H and I the consequences were different. Once written down I posted them and H and I stuck to them. Luckily the consequences I chose were things that the kids really valued and they got the message and started to comply. With my oldest, the first 3 weeks were awful, but we stuck it our. Didn't yell or scream just simply stated that it was unfortunate that he disregarded the house rules and had lost whatever privilege. What helped in this situation was that the rules we set had clear cut penalty times (2 hours, 1 day, etc) THIS WAS SO HELPFUL in avoiding being pestered every 5 minutes to get a privilege back. They knew upfront and pestering was futile.

I'm not sure how well setting rules and defining consequences would work for older kids. I would say that you really have to thing hard about what removal of privileges. Access to the car seems like it could be an effective behavior modification tool. Making them responsible for any increase in insurance premiums if they get a ticket, incur a claim, or their grades drop and they no longer get the good student discount.

With my H the best move I made in setting a boundary was during one of his "Where the F are you?" rants. I simply said without any anger, "Call me back when you can address me with respect." and hung up. He never called back or apologized, but he has yet to jump all over me like that since. When my kids start demanding things instead of politely asking for them, I usually acknowledge them but do not consider responding until they rephrase.

My biggest problem is making it clear how I want to be treated. I can set the intolerable boundaries such as I clearly and directly stating, "If you strike our children again in rage, I will begin divorce proceeding immediately." This I totally mean, and he knows it, and luckily he has chosen not to test this boundary. However it the smaller less black and white issues I struggle with. I have a very large areas of gray. I often don't speak up and say when things bother me but then get resentful. I think this is kind of like what Mouse said.. I don't react when I've been mistreated. If I could only make these areas more clear, I would be so much better off.