Thanks for the feed back, I realize I am not the only one to have what is going on and to be bipolar at the same time. When looking at my past, I can pin point when I would 'flip' modes, and trying to get them down on paper, if for nothing else to show to some one that may help with my disability claim.

But I have always been a problem solver for as long as I remember, so I look back trying to determine what in the world went wrong so that I might be able to fix it. I have said this to my therapist a few times, and I always get the some response 'it's a medical condition' like any other. I realize it is a possible inheritable trait, my mother was depressed for many years, then have great 'spurts' of activity then back to the depression. She only got help for it towards the end of her life, and I am both terrified of being the same, and determined not to be.

but the harder I struggle and fight, the worse everything seems to be. And when I don't struggle and fight things, everthing seems to fall apart even more. So it's kind of a damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am always asked if I had thought of hurting myself or worse committing suicide, and I alway reply that is not my style, what ever it is in me, I can't just give up. Though some times, when I go to bed at night, in the early hours of the morning, the though of not waking up does seems kinda nice. Cause the morning will only bring more of the same. Ya know? But I get up and try again and again.

I used to be a system admin and a programmer and I can't really handle the stress of it any more. I get panic attacks that I swear I am going to die, which of course just feeds it. So I take a pill to bring me down, but then that pill some times takes me down to low. And while I can't work, I still try to do at least something on the computer. But I have issues, cause my brain will not focus long enough on one project at once. I maybe writing code for an hour and then look at what I just wrote, and realize I was also writting code for a couple of other software projects. Which of course explains why the code is throwing errors and not working.

But out of all of this, I find I have become creative in another area, which I would have never thought would be possible. I would some times write a couple of pages on how I was feeling or what ever and put it in a story form. A friend had asked what I was writting and she said she wanted to see what I wrong. So I sent it to her. She thought it was really good, that I was able to describe in words that would allow her to picture what my 'character' was thinking, doing , ect. And she said I should at some point, put my short stories together and publish it. Not sure at this point if what she was saying was to cheer me up and give me hope or if she actually meant what she said.

Which is another problem, I don't really have that 'trust' of the human race that I guess that I should.

Bah I'm rambling sorry.