I have only ever answered in this forum. Never started a post here.I hope its ok? I guess I wanted you to know why i answer in here.((TY))
I have over time made alot of references to my Dad. He showed me my first look at it.I was 12 when he went in the hospital. He prolly now that i think about it was depressed from age 7 on. He also prolly had PTSD but those both are assumptions on my part now. As he is gone. He lost his mom at age 7. He was present when she passed on. His Dad was trying to get her to the hospital in the car, It was a crank car?
It would not start. That was the end of my Dads childhood. From that point on his life was forever altered. Him and his 2 brothers were put in a orphanage till my Dad reached 16 and was old enough to work on his Grandparents farm. Theres a whole lot in between, I will leave that out.
At age 12 like I said he had his first collapse. From that day on I had to grow up. Life in our house was never the same. He had electric shock and took meds.He became very quiet....and stayed that way..The sadness i saw with in him broke my heart. We had many issues in our family. I now know they both drank to cope. As my sister started around the same time as my Dad went into the hospital. I once at 13 was asked to go to the shrinks with My Dad. I of course went. What a eye opener that was. Kinda young for that.... But it did get me to be able to see his pain and what a hard time he had speaking to my Mom.Which I always thought was sad.

My Mom for what ever reason all my child hood I can remember her being uptight. That's putting it mildly. If she was upset the whole house shook. I would just go outside.....As peace was out there...
If I was sad I never let them know. As I figured they had to much to deal with. That's where I am *ok* came from. Besides I just wanted them all happy.
My Dad had his second one when I was about 25. This time it was longer. I can home to be with him. He had it a couple mths after I moved away. So it hit me kinda hard. He told me i took the happiness out of the house.
When I was young as hard as they tryed to make me not be me. Which could be anoring I am sure. I always tryed my darnedest to be upbeat.((except if I was alone))
He had his third one was right before he passed on. I never saw it coming. I should have....But I had 2 young kids a Mom who was dieing. There was only so much of me to go around.Plus I worked from home. Plus My son had his own issues.
I am not even sure why i wrote this. Something I have been thinking about for a bit.
Maybe because I wanted you all to know I do understand. Had My Dad known how important he was maybe it would have helped? That he did matter. Even at the end he mattered and still does.
Have i ever been depressed ((sure)) it happens. Do i get sad? yes ....that happens too...Do i cry ....yup...that happens too...
I guess I just wanted you to know I care and now you know what it means to me....I hope this made sense....... If not it can be moved...
always wishing you all peace and kindness
muffy