i'm having trouble with moods/anxiety/social phobia right now.. possibly hormonal again, possibly just a breakdown - again. Either way, i can't leave the house, answer the phone... i've been crying for no real reason or for little reason. i left T a message but did not ask him to call back.. our arrangement is that he won't unless i ask. i see him tomorrow

i'm paralyzed with indecision and fear. i need to cancel at least one session between now and the end of the month. After that i need to go to once per week for a while, for financial reasons. i've needed to do this before but didn't... in part because i couldn't bring myself to do it and partly because my life has been so chaotic that i have needed him there. To be honest, i HAVE cancelled some and then had to take someone else's cancelation because something exploded in my life.

that is a huge part of it... never knowing just when the next explosion will be... it's not in my hands. It comes from many directions. How can i tell which is the best road to take? i have done best when i see him 2xweek (check back if you know me, see how the panic posts have dwindled?). i just do better. i'm distraught about this.

im hiding in my apartment. i haven't answered the phone nor gone outside. i am just frozen in fear and indecision.