Well, after being out of rehab for a little under a week and eight days straight SI free I blew it. I tried using my safety plan, but I couldn't get myself to stay focused on it once I exhausted the first strategy to no avail. I had a very rough day today and finally gave in and cut - not just a little, but several cuts in several places. I thought about how I was able to cut while "in patient" and then stop for eight days straight. I was only intending to cut just a little to relieve the tension, but once I acted, it felt so good that I didn't stop there. Now I realize I'm not at the point of wanting to give it up -not for myself or anybody else. It does too much for me. I don't know what or how to tell my therapist, although it will be more than obvious. I see her Wednesday and I know she will be disappointed as will my psych who she will be obligated to tell as he is her boss. I also have my out patient intake app't tomorrow and several other medical app'ts this week so I'm sure there are going to be other problems as a result of my cutting again. I don't know what to do! I know cutting is against human nature but it works and helps me. So why when it did work today do I feel so down, confused, lost and guilty. I don't want to get to the point I was right before rehab, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until they locked me up and I was able to reflect on it. All the scars, secrecy, shame and guilt - I wondered how I could have done so much and now I know how much I need it and want to. So, why then all the guilt and shame? What do I do now? I don't see anything promising ahead.