Thank you all for posting your ideas. I must admit I'm kind of overwhelmed. The posts have served to reinforce that I am very inept at setting, communicating, and enforcing boundaries. The process seems very complicated to me and now seems even further out of reach than I had thought. I am hoping my new therapist can help; I will see him later this week.

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I then just use the smile that says, ok this is your stuff not mine. I think its allowing the idea that a person will eventually learn what is and what isn't acceptable to you

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I guess I tried this too often, saying nothing, and trying instead to model the way I wanted to be treated. But people didn't get it and kept stepping on my boundaries anyway. My therapist said I had to be more direct with them, and tell them, not expect them to just guess by my smiles or expressions or how I act towards them. So I've tried the direct approach too, but have not had that work either.

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That's the hard part--following through with whatever consequences you set.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I guess one of the hardest things for me is coming up with consequences that are not drastic, such as leaving the person completely. Some of the stories told in this thread are helping me get ideas for different consequences one might try. Right now I'm feeling backed into a corner, like the lesser consequences I've tried have not had an effect, even if I stuck to them, so I either have to put up with the boundary crossings or maybe leave the relationship. I am seeking the therapist's help because I really don't want to give up on the relationship, but I'm getting so close... Yet I don't want to keep being a doormat either.

Perna, of all the posts, yours made me feel the most disheartened (not that there was anything wrong with it). I have told my boundaries. Sometimes quite forcefully. I am very clear on the behavior that I want and expect. But still my boundaries are ignored. Your conclusion was then just don't be around that person. I really hate to think that is what it has come to, that I have to abandon this person. You also mentioned you have to be on the same page. I have no idea how to get on the same page with someone who won't respect my boundaries. If they were on the same page, it seems like they wouldn't be crossing my boundaries. Reading your post really brought home to me what a failure I am at this. It's as if a sports coach has tried to teach me an athletic skill and I have practiced it over and over and still am completely uncoordinated at it and it is obviously hopeless that I will never learn. We can't all learn to do back flips--maybe I just need to accept my limitations.

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chaotic13 wrote:
When you don't respond and appear indifferent people just walk all over you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that's true. And I have tried this strategy (not responding and appearing indifferent), but I can't say it's helped. There are some people who enjoy hurting others, and at least by appearing indifferent, I did not give them the satisfaction of knowing that I was hurt. That was important to me and at least had something to offer me, in contrast to not appearing indifferent and then getting walked on anyway.