My meds are okay I guess, not sure cause while I do take them I don't really like to. But then seem to keep me more `level` most of the time. I am on three different medications, 1 that I take at night to help me sleep and to help my depression. Another I take when I go into a panic attack ( and there are currently alot of things that set me off.) I also take pain meds for my shoulder and my lower back/hips.

I had back surgery a few years ago for a ruptured disk or something that like. Lost most of my feeling in the left foot/leg. And that gets me depressed, there are times I bend over that I can't straighten again, other times esp when I go to bed it feels like some one has been beating me with a 2x4 just above the belt. And that leads to my legs violently jerking enough to kick the cats off the bed. And my left shoulder causes my arm to either fall asleep at the drop of a hat, which is not good if I am carrying something.

I used to drink quite alot a few years ago, but haven't hardly drank anything in the last 6 years. Maybe once in a while, but not sense I have started taking meds a year ago. I do not dare at the moment, I fully realized that would be the worst thing I could do, I believe I would give going postal a whole new meaning.

When I mentioned the `fighting` was more referring to fighting myself, trying to bring myself up or down depending. Fighting to keep my utilities going, I think the State purposely gives just enouhg money to make it look like they are doing good, but not enough to keep all of the utilities on. Currently my son and I have been with out gas for roughly 2 months. My power has been turned off two times, ect. Fighting trying to get the help I need, and fighting myself over all of that as in 'why can't I handle this? and keep things on'

I can't get a job, especially doing what I normally would do. My lawyer has told me that a company would have to spend to much just to get my equipment right for my should and back. I can't do manual labor mostly, and crowds or a lot of people just are too much.

I don't have any friends, maybe one my x business partner but even that is ify. One of those 'call me if you need to ' but you can see in the eyes, please don't cause your just to much to handle at times. ect ect ectt

My pdoc says I have set standards for myself higher for myself, then I do for other people. And that works to my disadvantage and just adds to my problems. For instance, I was helping my x-business partner for a week so he could have a vacation. He had given me his gas card to do his pick up and delievers, I used just enough gas money to do the job, but did not 'fill up my tank' to make sure I had the gas. (That was one example my pDoc threw back at me)

ar any rate, rambling again sorry.

and thanks for reading bizi