Hi Sannah, part of went wrong was it was Monday and they are always bad for me as it marks the beginning of being by myself until late Friday. I hadn't been by myself entirely any day since leaving rehab, and I guess I got to thinking how lonely and empty my life is during the week. I get more depressed than usual and cannot get motivated. On top of that I have all these app'ts this week and I couldn't find several papers I needed for my intake and just the thought of having to reach out for help makes me feel miserable as I don't want to talk about it all over with these people. I know that they are only trying to help me, but needing to have them do so makes me feel weak and more vulnerable. It is hard enough with my T and Pdoc and I have been with them for 1 1/2 years+. Also, when I go to my family doc I will be getting two test results back and I'm nervous that there will be aconclusion of another surgery. I'm not really sure what my plan is , although I would like to think I can move forward with recovery. I'm not sure that it is possible as it's not like I just took a step backwards - its more like afterwards I picked myself up and ran with scissors (and we all know what can happen there). Even harder is the fact that I realized afterwards how much I missed it, craved it, had been denying myself that desired relief - albeit even though it was just temporary. Now it is pretty much occupying most of my thoughts in one way or another - felt good, provided much relief, grounded me, need it... followed by the shame of giving in after doing so well, guilt, disappointment...Now I'm not sure what to do. Making it worse is the looming thought of app't with my T tomorrow. Should I try to hide it - I'm sure she would see right through long sleeves and pants in 80+ degrees. How am I gonna deal with having to face and fess up to her that I screwed everything up after all she and Pdoc have been trying to get me past SI. Bottom line is I just let everybody down (including myself which matters the least to me). Now what do I do? Do you think it's actually possible to manage moving forward from my relapse. My head is telling me yes, but I just don't feel like it in my heart that I can give the 100% I fell is necessary. Thanks for your input.