**Icon applied for brief mention of cutting...

I feel as though I have been swinging on a pendulum this past week. With T away I have gone through the full range of emotions. This morning I wrote him a letter in my journal. It was a "Dear John," (or Dear T) that articulated all the reasons I am quitting therapy. This letter follows:

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I am writing to tell you that I no longer with to be in therapy with you. I am quitting. I don’t know what is appropriate but two weeks notice feels like the right amount. I have attached a check for $200 and I will send another $200 to cover next week when I get paid.

I suppose I should tell you why I am quitting. I cannot tolerate the pain of the relationship any longer. It hurts way too much—more than I can bear. I know that when you left we talked about a number of things in the last few sessions. I felt very, very close to you and safe in the relationship. Then you left, and I had an extremely difficult weekend and cut myself twice on my leg. I know we both challenged me toward increased self-care in your absence but I just couldn’t do it. I feel like such a failure in your eyes.

Yesterday I went to the doctor to follow up on my thyroid. There are new, complex nodules that she is concerned enough about to want to biopsy them. So, today I have to have a fine needle aspiration biopsy in her office. I am panicked on some level, because I hated the last procedure—it hurt.

I called you on the way back from the doctor’s and I said I would love to talk to you for five minutes. I know I said that if you didn’t have the time to call back I would understand. Nonetheless I am hurting so badly that you didn’t. I feel as though I am not significant enough for you to spare five minutes for me. I know it’s your vacation but I feel like here we go again because when I was leaving your office last week you said to call if I needed. Well, I did and you didn’t call back. This is a pattern of mixed messages that I can’t endure any longer. So, I guess I was wrong in my estimation. I don’t understand. I am so confused. I feel so very stupid.

There is a certain truth that I crave. It is a self-truth and a truth in the relationship that is us. But the closer I get to these truths, the further away I want to push because as I begin to know, my self doubts, my pain begins to feel unbearable.

Miss Charlotte

PS You just called so you can cancel this letter.!!!!!!!!

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Okay I am going to enter the Olympic pendulum swinging competition. Anyone want to join me? I challenge you all!