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ECHOES said:
For me it was seeing how much I want to attach to someone, or to everyone actually. It explains why I tend to have one or two close friends at a time. I thought it was all I could handle. But the truth is that without someone to attach to, I don't exist. I attach so they can define me and then I know how to be then. It also explains the intensity of the relationship(s) and the huge fear of abandonment: to lose them is to lose me.

I've known that I have trouble being 'myself' but I didn't realize I can feel abandoned when I do that. When I am myself, however briefly, I am no longer the person the other defines so it feels like an abandonment.

It's why I have had such trouble talking in therapy. No way was she going to define me even though I would probably welcome it, so I would know 'how to be'. I feel like I'm on my own (abandoned?) yet the truth is I'm free to be me.
That sounds so easy...

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Echoes... all of that makes so much sense to me as well. I hate losing people because i then lose a piece of me also. Then i have to wait for the next person who will accept me and i can mold to them. I do have a fierce stubborn streak, too, but a lot of me is defined by who I am with.

But the biggest surprise I am noticing right now comes from this physical health crisis I am in. I am seeing major changes in myself in how I handle these major stresses compared to how i used to. I've been in therapy for 5 years and just this year there are major shifts due to the level of care and caring i am getting from my three doctors. I am finding out that beneath all the wounds there is a healthy part that is rising to meet the expectations of my doctors and willing to do as they ask.