(((((((((((((((((((((((( candika ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think I feel safe with T most of the time. For me, that means I know he won't hurt me or take advantage of me, and it means that I believe that he cares about me, and will do everything within his power to make me feel safe and nurtured and taken care of. He accepts me without judgment.

BUT. There are things I can't tell him, words I can't say. It doesn't have to do with him not being safe....it has to do with the level of fear/pain/disgust within myself around those words.

I have written things down and given them to him. The first time I did it, I actually had to leave his office while he read it and curl up on the floor of the bathroom by the toilet. It was one of the scariest things I've done in T. But when I finally pulled myself together and went back in the room, there he was, accepting, caring....safe. And I survived and it was okay.

Later, when I was ready, I asked T to say the words first. It was hard and scary, but because he IS so safe, I knew it would be okay - he wouldn't let me die (irrational but very real fear). So he said them, and then he said them again another time, and again another time....and after I heard it enough, I was able to say the words one day. And it was hard, and made me pull back and run from him - but when I came back, he was still there - solid and safe and waiting for me. And it was okay.

((((((((((((((((((((((( candika ))))))))))))))))))) I don't know if anything here helps, but this is how it's gone for me. I can't say the words all the time - or even most of the time - but now I can sometimes. Because T IS safe, and I AM safe there.


Thinking of you...