Trigger possible.








My dad made me make promises to him a lot. Some of them I broke before he died, some of them after, and some of them never, or some of them I've broken and then tell myself I will never break them again.

I know I was forced to make such promises but at the same time I feel I wasn't. I know I was just a kid, but I never felt like a kid, so maybe I was never really a kid. Someone will say something to me and I'll reply, then if they ask me why I said that, I'll want to start with saying "my dad used to say..." and then I'll stop because I realize I'm quoting him.

Why do I defend him? I still listen to what he said, I still follow what he made me promise, I'll always bar myself from certain emotions and certain words. He told me how to think, who was I to question it? It was like all of them made the law.

I want to tell myself it never happened, I want to push it away and tell myself to just pretend that it didn't happen to me.

I feel like an idiot for all this- I know what my dad did. I can't bring myself to hate him because he did it to me. I feel awful, I feel like every time he touched me he tainted me. I feel stupid because I still think about what he said, what he taught me, how he told me to be. I feel like such a dumb idiot because he's dead, that was my fault, and I still find myself wishing for his approval.

Sorry to ramble, just needed to