Thanks Earthmama & Sannah. I'm not afraid to tell my Therapist about messing up for fear of her being a jerk or threatening me. Actually, it is quite the opposite with her as she is very skilled with dealing with me about it and not scornful or appalled. She has approached it only when I was willing to talk with her about it. If she asked and I didn't want to talk she doesn't "press me" further stating we would deal with it when I was ready and that she would not tell me to stop as she knows it is serving a purpose and doing so would make things only worse. Pretty rare find in a therapist as far as I have heard. I'm more concerned that I will have disappointed her and that I "dissed" she and my pdoc efforts to help me. I know I wouldn't be able to hide it from her as she can read me like a book. I'm also scared as I had given my "blades" to a trusted friend as a step in the right direction and then tonite I find myself in Lowes buying more. How pathetic is that? I just don't see myself as being able to stop as I got too much relief last night and it was instantaneous. How can I move forward if it still feels good, the urges are always there, and my heart says to do it even though my head says "No!" I did go to my intake meeting which was stressful because of all the questions they have to ask about why you were hospitalized, what your past traumas are...I am going to be starting the out patient program soon and I will be covered cost wise to do so. They are going to tailor my schedule to work with the various issues/stressors I have difficulty with. I will most likely be going for six hours five days a week to start with and then go from there, This should provide me with some extra supports as suggested. The lady I spoke with today also provided me with other support info and explained how they work. I will know more by next week. The support I have gotten here has been great - I have never posted to any website before and so far this has been all good for me. Thanks for the concern and support you have provided.