(((candika)))

Candika, it is an important step to be able to share the incident, even in writing. I think the verbal will come with time. Progress can seem slow, but to share this memory with your T and have him hold it and accept is a good start on the way to healing this wound.

Early in therapy, I had some recovered memories of a traumatic childhood incident. I told T I had recovered these memories out of the blue but was unable to tell him what they were. I remember sitting there for almost a whole session with him, trying to tell him, but being unable to speak. He told me he respected my ambivalence, of wanting to tell but not being able to. He never pressured me. Eventually after a number of sessions I was able to tell. I had to get to know him better and come to trust him. To help me with sharing these memories, I first wrote them out on paper as I wanted to tell them. That was hard. Then I read them outloud to myself over and over. That was hard too, but I got better at it. Then I visualized T as I read them. Finally, I was able to tell the memories to T (without the paper). He never knew I went through this whole preparatory sequence over the weeks. After I told him the memories, we did EMDR on them to help me process the trauma. After that, it was easier to tell him things, because we came successfully through the telling and processing of this major thing.

I know some people do EMDR without directly voicing their traumatic incident. I wonder if you could do some EMDR just while visualizing the incident but not speaking it. Maybe this would help partially process the memory and then you would be able to voice it. Just a thought--I don't know if this is commonly done in EMDR or not.

T has often asked me what he can do to make it safe for me. He did this when I told those memories. Some of the things I requested were environmental. I asked him to shut the blinds. I wanted him to dim the lights. I wanted to be there only at night (it was a long time before I could come to see him in the morning!). I also feel safe because the door is closed, and things in his office stay the same (mostly). I have also told him I feel unsafe sometimes because I have waived confidentiality with him (mandatory) and sometimes he reports things from my sessions to people on the legal team. He is regretful but he cannot change that. We'll regain our therapist-client confidentiality at some point in the future.

Candika, could you bring your dogs with you to therapy to help you feel safe? One of my T's clients brings her dog with her to therapy.